Victim of the Beast

The Writings of Lilly Gray.

The writings presented here were written over a number of years, possibly even decades, by Lilly Gray. In these many years she left her words scattered behind her, a trail of breadcrumbs leading into the darkness she appears to have embraced so willingly. A trail that by its very existence carries the implied invitation, "follow me", for those that are brave or foolish enough to obey.

Even a cursory glance at the texts reveals indications of a strangely disordered mind and a closer examination confirms those suspicions as the words paint a portrait of the author as a person whose sanity is deranged, their psyche twisted, ploughing the same rough soil again and again, compulsively writing their obsessions of death, pain and loss. In reading these bitter missives one wonders if their creation were in some way cathartic, if in the writing she loosened, even a little, the chains that held her, or whether they were instead an inherent part of the burden she so obviously carried.

There are clear themes that run through these writings, themes of sorrow, darkness and pain. There are images that repeat as though they were stuck in her mind, struggling for a release that could never be achieved and it is tempting to imagine that some of these are true words, that she genuinely experienced the things of which she speaks. This sense of reality is especially prevalent in some of the first person narratives, and also in some of the very short pieces that read like snatches of conversation recorded for posterity. However it soon becomes clear that this in itself is no test of veracity for she uses the first person motif in many situations where it would be impossible for the words so recounted to be recordings of actual events. Therefore it is possible and far more likely that these repetitions of image and theme are intended to function as symbols that, should they be decoded, could illuminate the deeper meaning concealed within the words, or as signposts that point the way to a hidden truth.

Despite this general homogeneity of theme there seems to have been no great purpose to her writing, it is doubtful that she ever made any real attempt at publication, and if she had it is unlikely, given the quality of her work, that she could have succeeded. Instead she allowed her words to flourish and proliferate like weeds. She cast them out and left them to grow or die as they would, and it is those abandoned works that have been gathered here, a neglected garden, run to seed and decay.

These texts were gleaned from many sources, some on line where her work has been posted on a variety of sites under a number of names, rarely her own. Some from the detritus of her life that she left behind, her books, her papers, her writings. Very rarely she is known to have commented upon her own work and, where possible, these comments will be included with the work to which they refer, as will annotations and comments of my own where such things appear to illuminate or explain discrepancies, lacunae or confusion within the texts themselves. However, such interruption will be kept to the minimum and in general the words of Lilly Gray will be allowed to speak for themselves.

The body of evidence is divided into three major parts. The first, The Writings, as has already been stated, were found and discovered from many and varied sources. They are presented here in no particular order. The second section is The Library. It is said that much can be learned about a person from the books that they read. Lilly Gray appears to have been a wide ranging and voracious reader. This section simply lists the books that she left behind along with any commentary that seems to she light upon her ownership or her character. The third part, titled Ephemera, includes those things that were hers or of her creation and which do not fit into either of the above categories.

The collection is completed by the Coda. This short piece of writing seemed to have a special place in the warped heart of Lilly Gray. It was found many times amidst the detritus of her life. Written and typed, scrawled and calligraphed. The earliest version appears to be a scribbled block of text divided into what would become lines with diagonal scores as though it were written in a stream of consciousness style and only then made into the work as it is presented here. This early version of the text is written upon paper so fragile and creased with age it is easy to believe that this is the earliest of all her works. However this cannot be stated for certain as she rarely dated her work. Even at this early stage the words of this piece are complete and unchanging, all but the final line which appears to have gone through a number of incarnations before finding the final form that is presented here and which was the ending used on over half the extant appearances of this short piece in her written legacy.

This is, of necessity, an ongoing project, as further texts are found or deciphered, as more of her scattered legacy is discovered and processed, they will be included here, each one a small part of the jigsaw that makes up the sum total of a wasted life.